Mom

Mom,

Three months ago today, with your cold hand wrapped in mine, I stood in tears as I witnessed you release your final breath of life. One last tear fell from your eyes, and in that moment I knew my life would never again be the same. Your soul went home that evening- renouncing itself from the present and ascending to a place unbeknownst to those below. I have faith your soul lives still- and although I will never look into your eyes again- I believe you're looking into mine evermore.

A day has not past where I haven't cried. You're on my mind, and in my heart, unremittingly. I have brief episodes of uncertainty where nothing makes sense. I find myself picking up the phone to call you- I'm overwhelmed with the idea of you being gone I sometimes feel you're still here. I know nothing can ever bring you back but my mind plays tricks and sometimes it tries.

There's never been life without you. I'm on an entirely new path with no direction or guidance. I'm going in stride- simply flowing along this fluid conduit that's positioned in front of me. Often I turn around in hopes of finding answers to the intricacies that led me here- but there's nothing there to see. There's no more before… this new road is only at the forefront, and you're not next to me to conquer it. Your physical self was left behind. So now I must rely on Faith to keep pushing me forward. Faith- that although I will never again hear your voice answer to Mommy- your soul lives still, and is with me all the time. I'm holding hands with blind belief- A position I never before assumed. When you passed on, I was left helpless and exposed. No longer was I, or the people around me, invincible. When you closed your eyes for the final time, you reopened them through mine. I must believe …I do believe. Because if I don't – I really will have lost you for good.

My alarm is set on my phone for every Tuesday 8:39pm, and every 8th of the month for the same time. I say my little prayer and simply hope you can hear my words… wherever you are. For the last three weeks, no matter where I go- a butterfly seems to be lurking nearby. 3 times I'm stopped at a traffic light and one lands on my windshield… Twice I'm in a meeting at work and one finds its way to the window in front of me- and sits there, "with me" for the entire length of the meetings. Some people tell me it's a sign you're with me… I was always "your butterfly"… so maybe now you're mine.

Whatever the situation… I must have Faith… and through my entire life, the only one person I ever had faith in was you. So now that you're gone- I won't let that die as well. I have faith. But I also have a broken heart that I believe will never mend. When you passed away, a part of me went with you. Time cannot heal that… it can only make me wiser and stronger. So when the clock strikes 8:39 tonight… I'll inhale the breath you last let out- and with arms opened up towards the sky, I'll say my little prayer and hope you hear my plea. My request for forgiveness, understanding, and strength… and never-ending faith that wherever you may be- you're smiling again.

I believe Mommy, I believe.
So please, believe in me.

I love you always,
and always, your Boob <3

12.22.49-05.08.07