1 year ago today

Patricia M. Glover


12/22/49 – 05/08/07




I hold out my hands and breathe in the sky
With my eyes closed tight- memories underlie


Inhaling the impressions embedded in the air,
I draw in your presence as though you are there


Palms to the heavens, while the winds draw still
Your soft scent of musk gently calms my will…


It tickles my nose and engrosses my mind
As your soul travels through me, our hearts intertwine


You're with me, beside me – this I know for sure
Your presence is eternal- it continues to endure


A year ago today with your cold hand in mine
I said my farewells and kissed you goodbye


But gravity was in suspension that very somber night
It coupled our souls together, as yours was taking flight


So for your year anniversary and Mother's day to come
I celebrate your life and the connection that lives on


Happy one year in Heaven Mom, and Happy Mother's Day too
I love you so very much and I'm forever in awe of you




RIP Mom, I miss you terribly

Dear Santa

It's been years since my last letter
Years since I last believed
But even though I've grown and strayed
I'll be waiting for you this Christmas Eve

I'm not sure where else to turn
So I hope this letter finds you quick
For I'm child in need of her mother
Asking for a miracle from Old Saint Nick

I know the thought is far fetched
And I'm crazy to be so naïve
But I pray that somewhere, somehow
There's a spark of truth in make believe

So here is goes nothing, Dear Santa,
The holidays are upon us once more
This time of year holds special meaning
For it's the season my mother most adored

I remember waking up Christmas mornings
In Santa pajamas she given the night before
My mom couldn't wait to get me out of bed
I just can't believe she won't be there anymore

She made everything so special
There was never a year I went without
Our house was filled with presents and love
She was what Christmas is all about

My wish this year is pretty straightforward
I'm not strong enough to get through it alone
So my Christmas plea is for one more day
Dear Santa, please bring my mother home

I'll play her favorite Little Drummer Boy
And hang her ornaments on the tree
I'll say my prayers and hope you hear
How much I need her home with me

I know it's hard to wrap a miracle
But my heart will surely be in awe
To come downstairs Christmas Eve
And see Mommy kissing Santa Clause

Until that day, my fingers will be crossed
Praying for a miracle unlike any other
I know it's an awful lot to ask
But Santa, please bring me back my mother

Mom

Mom,

Three months ago today, with your cold hand wrapped in mine, I stood in tears as I witnessed you release your final breath of life. One last tear fell from your eyes, and in that moment I knew my life would never again be the same. Your soul went home that evening- renouncing itself from the present and ascending to a place unbeknownst to those below. I have faith your soul lives still- and although I will never look into your eyes again- I believe you're looking into mine evermore.

A day has not past where I haven't cried. You're on my mind, and in my heart, unremittingly. I have brief episodes of uncertainty where nothing makes sense. I find myself picking up the phone to call you- I'm overwhelmed with the idea of you being gone I sometimes feel you're still here. I know nothing can ever bring you back but my mind plays tricks and sometimes it tries.

There's never been life without you. I'm on an entirely new path with no direction or guidance. I'm going in stride- simply flowing along this fluid conduit that's positioned in front of me. Often I turn around in hopes of finding answers to the intricacies that led me here- but there's nothing there to see. There's no more before… this new road is only at the forefront, and you're not next to me to conquer it. Your physical self was left behind. So now I must rely on Faith to keep pushing me forward. Faith- that although I will never again hear your voice answer to Mommy- your soul lives still, and is with me all the time. I'm holding hands with blind belief- A position I never before assumed. When you passed on, I was left helpless and exposed. No longer was I, or the people around me, invincible. When you closed your eyes for the final time, you reopened them through mine. I must believe …I do believe. Because if I don't – I really will have lost you for good.

My alarm is set on my phone for every Tuesday 8:39pm, and every 8th of the month for the same time. I say my little prayer and simply hope you can hear my words… wherever you are. For the last three weeks, no matter where I go- a butterfly seems to be lurking nearby. 3 times I'm stopped at a traffic light and one lands on my windshield… Twice I'm in a meeting at work and one finds its way to the window in front of me- and sits there, "with me" for the entire length of the meetings. Some people tell me it's a sign you're with me… I was always "your butterfly"… so maybe now you're mine.

Whatever the situation… I must have Faith… and through my entire life, the only one person I ever had faith in was you. So now that you're gone- I won't let that die as well. I have faith. But I also have a broken heart that I believe will never mend. When you passed away, a part of me went with you. Time cannot heal that… it can only make me wiser and stronger. So when the clock strikes 8:39 tonight… I'll inhale the breath you last let out- and with arms opened up towards the sky, I'll say my little prayer and hope you hear my plea. My request for forgiveness, understanding, and strength… and never-ending faith that wherever you may be- you're smiling again.

I believe Mommy, I believe.
So please, believe in me.

I love you always,
and always, your Boob <3

12.22.49-05.08.07

RIP Mom, Sweet Dreams

My mother was a fighter...the strongest yet most tender person i'll ever come to know. Her death has impacted my life in ways noone will ever understand, but her life has impacted people's lives in ways they'll never ever forget.

I love you Ma... you're safe now.
12/22/49 - 5/8/07


You held my hand in yours
And whispered I'll miss you so
Your hands were cold and gentle
A touch I'll eternally know

Your body so slim and fragile
Drained of spirit and drive
Jennifer, help me please
I don't want to be alive

I wanted badly to make it stop
Take the pain and melt it away
But all I could do was massage your aches
And say, soon Mom it will be okay

Your eyes had met with mine
As tears began to form
I'm sorry it had to come to this
I don't know where it all went wrong

Your face remained so exquisite
Through illness your beauty still showed
Your tired eyes were still so vivid
Taking in the world letting you go

I looked at you looking at me
And smiled at the woman I saw
Memories flashed from years that passed
Recollections that left me in awe

Will you be strong enough, Jennifer?
Are you sure you'll you be okay?
I'll be just fine, Mom
I'll have you with me everyday

I love you, Jennifer
Mom, I love you too
You've made me so very proud
Not as proud as I am of you

A brush of fresh air came through the window
The harmony of jazz blanketed the room
You laid on your side gazing out the window
Looked up to heaven and smiled on cue

Close your eyes now Mom,
Get some sleep- put your mind at ease
Good night Jennifer, I love you so
I love you too Mom, and sweet, sweet dreams.

I need an escape...

The streets are all slanted, and my back is against the wall. Concrete and cold, the frigidness of the cement drapes the spine of my body. Treed, tried, trapped…. I run to this place for solitude, but the seclusion pries open my mind and the thoughts I conceal inside are let loose.

I need the escape, but I fear the effect. I cry and cry and cry some more… partly wishing the truth will drown in the tears.


But they don't.

They never do.


I think I've reached the threshold of awareness… my mother is dying in front of my eyes, and there's nothing I can do to help her. Nothing! But the sense of helplessness surpasses any other. I'm on stage in front of an audience of critics, naked and vulnerable. Where once I was able to walk a tightrope blindfolded, my balance seems to be eluded even when I'm on all fours.

Consider the universal dream of ensuing trouble… you try to scream and nothing comes out… that's what it feels like for me… day after day. Notwithstanding, of course, I couldn't scream even if I was able to. I've been labeled the "Strong one..". The level headed-got her act straight-can conquer the world- one. I must remain resilient at all times. If I crumble, so does everyone around me. My mother especially. She looks at me and reads my eyes. If I'm "ok", then things must be "okay".


Things must be okay, right?

Some days they are. Some days I swear things will be "okay" and maybe she will make this miraculous turnaround and beat this shit fuck of a devil. I mean, come on… she just ate an entire piece of bread! The whole thing… didn't even throw it up. That's a sign isn't it? But no sooner does she digest it, does someone come to me and ask if I've considered burying her 6ft or 3ft underground.

Ever run around your pool when you were younger? Make that whirlpool effect and just let yourself float in the current of the flow? Sometimes I'm floating… just laying back , staring at the sky, letting the current take me wherever it desires. A nice free-form lack-of-control-feeling.

But most of the time I'm trying to fight the whirlpool. I'm running against it , forcing with all my might to set in motion a different course. But the outcome is always the same. I'm forced to oblige the current and get taken off in the tide. This time – starring up at the sky not by choice- but because as strong as I may appear… I'm really not stronger than the inevitable.

It's going to happen. She will die. She won't be around to see me get married, won't see my grandchildren, won't be there to baby-sit and help me raise my children. She won't be there to tell me it will be okay on those days when shit just seems to go all wrong. She wont be there in the morning telling me to drive safe and call her when i get to work.

And as much as those are all self-absorbed reasons to touch upon, shit, it's the truth.

But the crazy fucked up part of being me… ( one part, of many, at least) if you are, or know any Libra's… you know we see both sides of everything. We weigh things, balance things, get caught in the stream of the in-between….


My egotistical side wants my mother there with me, for me, until I'm ready for her to leave. I'm not ready yet. Then again, will I ever be?

But there's a part of me… and this is the part that seems to be invading the self-absorbed part more and more as the days go on…

That maybe it's better that my mom move on. She shouldn't have to suffer, she shouldn't have to whither away to nothing, live her days in pain and agony, just to stay alive. Her quality of life is in rapid egression… it's unfair that she has to endure such torture day after day.


But what if… what if that miraculous turnaround happens? But then again, what if it doesn't?


Until either of the two become known- I'll maintain that "strong-one" persona and keep my head propped steadily on my shoulders regardless of which way I'm being pulled. And on the days where I think i can't hold up the façade any longer… I'll retreat to the place I go to get away.


Where the streets are all slanted, and my back is against the wall.

Concrete and cold, the frigidness of the cement drapes the spine of my body. Treed, tried, trapped…. I run to this place for solitude, but the seclusion pries open my mind and the thoughts I conceal inside are let loose.


I need the escape, but I fear the effect. I cry and cry and cry some more… partly wishing the truth will drown in the tears.



But they don't.

They never do.