Happy Mother's Day, Mom

On a somber Tuesday night four years ago today- at exactly 8:41pm on May 8th, 2007- I watched as my 57 year old mother left this world far too soon. Since then I can’t count the number of tears I cried, sleepless nights I’ve had, or the number of times I’ve asked the question ‘why?’. Without hesitation I can easily spend today doing just that. But instead, on this day I choose to celebrate her life and celebrate the amazing mother she was.

They say the dates on your tombstone don’t matter… it’s the little line that stands in between the two that define who the person was.

So Mom, on this Mother’s Day, I give you your line.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and Happy Four Years of painless peace. Here’s your in-between…


1949 – 2007

My Beautiful Mother, where do I begin?

Stunning on the outside, even more within

Eyes that glistened and shined with grace

A smile as welcoming as a warm embrace

Strong and determined- stubborn as they come

If you had your mind set- it was over and done

You craved your morning coffee and Marlboro 100 Lights

Shopping on the weekends and late casino nights

Summers on the beach or tanning by the lake

Winters watching football or sleeping in real late

Sunglasses and purses- the bigger the better

Before it was popular you were always the trendsetter

Loved General Hospital and Dancing with the Stars

Planting in the garden and sitting in the front yard

You changed your kitchen curtains every other week

The house was always spotless- you huge neat freak

The “man” of the house – your hands did it all

Laid down new flooring, painted all the walls

Never scared to get dirty- always jumped right in

Such a lady on the outside, yet a tomboy within

Politics made your blood boil but how you loved it so

Seemed like every other month there was a sign in our window

Your name was on the ballot the month after you died

and wouldn’t you know you still won it by a landslide

Handing out turkeys on a cold Thanksgiving day

Filling up a refrigerator for a family who’d lost their way

You always gave to others more than you took in

Helping made you feel better than receiving ever did

Though you had a kind demeanor- you could be a real blood-hound

Cross you the wrong way and you were the biggest bitch around

You took no prisoners and your hit list was long

No one ever questioned how much you were headstrong

You stood up for what you believed in and never backed down

When others around you were quiet- you had the loudest voice around

You rooted for the underdog even if they stood no chance

You walked to your own rhythm and swayed to your own dance

No matter where you would go, it’s like you were the Mayor

Someone was always saying- ‘Hey Patty see ya later!’

If your children ever did something wrong-oh God forbid

There was always someone around- “ Aren’t you Patricia’s kid?”

There’s no doubting the fact- I’m your daughter, for sure

Your stubbornness, kindness- and the strength to endure

Your life was one lived striving to better the future

But you got cut off too soon- never closed that last suture

Your line may be determined between two certain years

But the meaning behind it lives on loud and clear

So although your tombstone may read 1949 - 2007

Your legacy and energy live on even now in 2011

Taken away too soon, four years ago today

I may have lost my mother but your memory is here to stay

Your soul, your energy, that power you possessed

Continues to tuck me in at night and lay me down to rest

I know one thing for certain- your line was carved in bold

Your in-between had meaning still continuing to unfold

Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven and Happy Four Years at Rest

Today I celebrate your life and the woman who lived it best!



I love you, Mom

18 Things I Wish I knew

My Sister-in-law's neice is turning 18- here's a little snippit of what I wrote to her in her card... 18 thinks I wish I knew when I was 18. What do you wish you knew then that you do now?

18 things I wish I knew when I was 18

1. Hold on tight. Not only to life, but to your mom. The grip seems to slip as you get older- so the tighter the grip, the better off you’ll be

2. You matter. Don’t let others make you feel else wise

3. Don’t only save money- save pictures (PRINT THEM), save things you’ve written, and save old notes and letters from school. It’s the best feeling finding and re-finding them in boxes years down the road.

4. Remember that fight you had with your friend the year before you slipped down the stairs because you forgot your homework at home? Yep, exactly. They don’t matter

5. Honesty may not always be the best policy- but integrity matters above all else

6. Make small attainable goals more often than lofty ones. Waiting for results suck

7. A lot of what you’ll study in college you’ll forget. What I didn’t: Time management, perseverance, taking criticism, letting go, moving on, and that one professor who told me to never stop writing… That’s what college is all about

8. Change is a wonderful - habits are meant to be broken

9. The moments you will always remember at those you didn’t plan. Spend less time planning and more time experiencing

10. Don’t be scared to be original… Most people you meet are trying to be someone they’re not. Stand out- the more unique you are the more in demand you’ll be. You don’t have to please to be wanted

11. If you learn something meaningful- or if something moves you… Always, always pass it on

Before my mom passed away she gave me on piece of advice… I guess she knew I was a little compulsive (who, me?? never!:)) She told me when I have a decision to make- no matter how big or small, think of an STD. My first words to her were, “eww gross, ma. Please I don’t wanna have THIS talk…” but she put up her hand, and said “ Stop, Think, then Decide” Best advice I’ve ever received

12. Instead of wasting your energy hating someone- pity them. Anger has the power to control your soul, empathy only makes you stronger

13. Your instincts never lie

14. Only when you stop looking for something… anything… that’s when it’ll appear

15. Don’t wait for tomorrow, a new month, a new week, a New Year -to start over. Close your eyes, open them- and go. Now. Slipping? See #1

16. Negative people are like magnets- they attract negative things. Rid them from your life

17. People will constantly push their opinions on you. Never be afraid to push back. Question everything

18. The last thing I wish I knew when I was 18- he wasn’t worth it

19….one for good luck? People always give that extra punch but I’m not going to. You don’t need luck- you need passion. And I know you already got it!




Happy 18th Birthday, Maria! Cherish it. Right now you probably can’t wait to be out of your teens, and out on your own. But trust me when I say there comes a point in your life when you’d give anything to just go back. To go back to the spot you’re in now. The spot when you’d give anything to just grow up. It’s a crazy paradox, but try your hardest to never rush it. Life moves far too quickly on its own.
Love you like a sister! Enjoy your birthday and may the next year be filled with lots of love, laughter, and health!!

Eggsactly

I stumbled upon a lovely short story this afternoon called "The Egg". I read it twice, and each time I read it in a different way- with a different meaning. I think this is one of those stories that should be passed on.... so, enjoy :)





The Egg

By: Andy Weir
www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html



You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

To the Moon, Alice

At first when I read about this "Supermoon" that was coming our way... I wasn't over the moon about it :) But, when the day came... I was out in my yard like millions of other people waiting to see something I never saw before.

I dunno... I just didn't think it looked THAT big. It was bright, but I guess I just never paid too much attention to it in the past to know for certain that it was bigger than it was that last full moon.

Regardless, it gave me an excuse to pop out my tele-zoom lense and have at it. I got a few cool pictures out of the experience... even caught something that looked to be oribiting the moon!! Enjoy...













First spotted something "near" the moon as it started to rise



Then about 10 minutes later... spotted it again.

Bathroom Habits

So I was in a public restroom last wk... There were three stalls and I was certain no one was in the restroom with me. It was quiet and there were no feet showing under the doors. So anyhow- I started washing my hands when all of a sudden someone started peeing. So I looked under the doors and still- no feet. WTF? So I took my time washing my hands cause i needed to see who was going to pop out of the stall. Anyhow, sure enough, two feet jumped off the seat- the toilet flushed- and out walked a woman. She washed her hands and left like what just happened was completely normal. Leaving me standing there- bewildered- still washing my hands because I had no idea what I just witnessed.

So anyhow, apparently, this woman stands on the toilet when she pees. To each their own, I guess, right? But that led me to wonder if other people had strange bathroom habits too?

I'm a huge germophobe... just the thought of public restrooms skeeves me. I have to take off the first few feet of tp and flush it immediately- who knows what flew up and landed on it in prior flushes. Then I need to wipe the seat before putting a seat guard down. And only then can I pee. But that all seems normal to me...I think? :) Do you have a crazy bathroom habit?

And if you're the woman who stood on the toilet while I was washing my hands... just know I find your behavior very odd and a little disturbing. But hey- it is pretty talented ... I’m not sure I’d be able to balance, squat, and pee at the same time. So kudos to you. But just so you know- I don't appreciate the skid marks you leave on the seat. Next time- pop a squat standing on a seat guard...Let's see how good your balance is then.

That's all for now :)

Brake Light Fever

What is it called when you start seeing the same thing over and over again? You know... Before you bought a car- you never saw it on the road...But once you bought one- you see them all over. Or every time you look at a clock, it's always the same time? I can't seem to remember what it's called- but man, the last two wks have been driving me nuts! Everyday while I'm driving I seem to find myself behind someone whose brake light is out.... But wait!!! Not just any brake light- no sir. ALL of the vehicles RIGHT brake lights have been out.

Is this a sign?! If it is- what the heck does it mean? Slow down? Screw braking and speed up? Stop left, go right? AHHHH
It got so bad last week that I actually followed a man into the grocery store- tapped him on the shoulder- and told him that I was behind him in the parking lot, and I wasn't sure if he knew- but his right brake light was out. After getting a very odd look and a "uhm, thank you?" response- I preceded to walk down the produce aisle pretending to check out some tomatoes- as though I actually went into the grocery store to buy groceries. But I was off my rocker- I just needed to let this complete stranger know that his broken brake light was driving me nuts- and he needed to fix it- pronto. So as soon as he turned the corner I left the store. But I felt good!! I was relieved! I thought maybe I broke the cycle. I did my job...got my gold star for the day. After all- you really won't know your brake lights are out unless someone tells you or a cop pulls you over, right? So maybe I saved this guy a ticket and I can stop being stalked by damn broken lights!!

Of course it didn't play out that way. The following morning I was in back of my husband on our way to work...and wouldn't you know... his RIGHT brake light was out.

My drive to work is a little over 45 minutes. I spent the entire drive with the music off and my mind spinning. This is what I've come up with: my scientific I'm.NOT.going.crazy hypothesis to the mysterious brake light outages affecting me and only me.

NJ and PA have been under a pretty severe heat wave over the last couple of weeks. The materials used in making lights will falter under intense and constant heat- thus forcing the bulb to blow out.

My theory as to why only the right lights have been going out? Simple. I wink with my right eye- so it's only natural that the cars in front of me follow suit.


So this is it- I'm doing a voodoo chant and passing on my brake light visions to my readers :) Let's see how many cars you spot with their lights out in the coming days!

Six Word Saturday

Lots of rain then Hello Sun.

Glance

I looked at you
Look at me
And for that very moment
We both could see

What it was like
In the other’s eyes
Halfway drunk
Sorta hypnotized

Your eyes were flushed
Washed out from the current
But they swam to me
In that very moment

Unable to move
I just watched your eyes
Drown in me
Then float on by

Fireworks and Doggie Barks

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that it's already JULY!!! Why does it seem like I just took down my Christmas tree?

But with the 4th of July weekend upon us- I thought i'd share some facts about our great country that I found rather interesting.

Did you know that on July 4th, 1776 there were approximately 2.5 million people living here?
Take a guess at what you think the population is today? According to the US Census- as of July 2nd, 2010- 309,643,894!!
And if you didn't send back your census form this year... you can add one to the list ;)

For the latest population #- check out the U.S Population Clock

How about this: Three US Presidents actually died on July 4th. Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe.

Calvin Coolidge, on the other hand- was born on the day. Guess he started each year with a bang :)

Okay- so that's enough trivia.... Moving on :)

I'm happy to say that I stumbled upon a new blog today!. I love finding what I call a BIT to Blog about. (Buried Internet Treasure). This is one that I'll be following closely, for sure.



Fill in the Blank Fridays: I can get used to these!!


1. This weekend for The 4th of July I'll be : floating around in my pool, chasing after my dogs, breathing in the heavenly aroma of charcoal and fire, reading, writing, and doing the happy dance because I have the following day off :)

2. Fireworks are: a nuisance. They make my dogs howl which makes the dogs in the neighborhood howl, which makes my husband howl- and well, his howls frighten me.

3. Nothing says summer like: The smell of salt water in the air

4. My favorite summer memory is : going to the beach and lakes every weekend with my mom

5. My favorite thing about summer is: even though i have to work everyday- when June rolls around, for whatever reason- i still get that giddy feeling in my stomach that summer is here - school is over- and vacation is right around the corner. Too bad summer breaks are a thing of the past :( Damn you old age

6. Summer in a word is: aestival

7. If I could choose to have summer or winter year round I'd pick: Neither, I'd choose the fall. BUT, if you were pulling my leg and I absolutely had to choose between the two- I'd go for winter. Something about shorter days and coming home to a nice hot dinner on a colder winter's night.... sets my heart at ease.


Happy 4th of July!- Here's to safe fun, laughs, and silent fireworks.

Trigger

His eyes are the trigger
each glare holds her captive
The stare is mysterious
A sense of man with a touch of power
It is this she finds most intriguing

His movements are concise
sharp and crisp like the clothes he wears
A smile knows not his face
yet is hidden under his skin

A clichéd bad boy
She feels drawn
compelled to wonder
longing to touch
Curiously

He draws her near
and she is swept
Clean are the fantasies she once craved
His lips touch hers
and the deal is sealed

The trigger was finally pulled

As She

As she’s writing the words you’re reading
She pauses ...

breaching her thoughts

the slight chasm makes her laugh

she realizes

she’s feeling into the words
falling into the feelings
she fell into-
because of you

and while you are reading
the words she was writing
you’re feeling unchanged

her pen set back in motion
your eyes continue to roam
across the sheet

to this line.

reading the feelings
of
falling
into

you

Dangled

She wears me around her neck
….Rarely ever taken off
I think sometimes I’m used as a safeguard
Clutched when in fear,
sorrow,
despair.

Sometimes when she can’t sleep at night
Her eyes close tightly and she prays
Kissing the tarnished casing – she whispers my name
Almost reciting it as though if she stops -she’ll forget

oh mom, mom, mom- why did you have to go


Locked inside a heart
A black and white picture dated years before her time
A mother she never knew yet knows so well

How I wish she would stop
Her sadness travels so much further than her words
Looking down upon my daughter looking up at me
Her tears now swimming in my initials etched in her golden covered heart

I’m drowning in her pain
But she doesn’t even know I’m there

To her I’m dead
To her she’s alone

But I’m watching-
listening-
feeling everything she feels.
Wrapped around her neck- clutched inside her hand
I try my best to take away her pain

Soon she’ll fall asleep
Be swept away in a cascade of dreams.

And for as long as she keeps me close to her heart
Together we shall always be.
Wrapped around her neck-
There I’ll remain.
Dangled forever in her life.

The Rules of JenN

** I found this online YEARS ago and fell in love with it then. I'm not quite sure how I stumbled upon it today- but I still love it just the same. ***



A constantly evolving set of guidelines for dealing with resplendent JenNitude on a day-to-day basis.

(The gaps in the numbering are intentional and represent rules that have yet to be written, not rules that have been omitted)




#1 - Jenn is an exceptional person who is to be worshipped and adored at all times.

#2 - Jenn is always special.

#3 - Jenn is frequently up to something.

#4 - Jenn can usually get away with it.

#5 - If your relationship with Jenn fails, it's your fault.

#7 - There is no rule 7.

#8 - Jenn isn't easily fooled. She has Her own reasons for letting you think you've pulled one over on Her, which will only become clear when it is advantageous for Her so to do.

#9 - (The Srey Maxim) Jenn does not like being kept waiting.

#10 - If and when she so desires, Jenn is to be cuddled and comforted without question or hesitation.

#11 - Thou shalt not taunt Jenn, lest ye be consigned to the fifth circle of hell-dating where the women are all named after department stores.

#12 - Jenn is always right, especially when she isn't.

#13 - Jenn does not procrastinate; she waits until the time is right.

#14 - (The Goldfinch Guideline) Dating Jenn is a commitment to a lifetime spent worshipping the wonder that is Her, even if you never see her again (see also #5).

#15 - Jenn will cross the road when and where she wants, which may be before or after everyone else.

#16 - (The Jezzie Precept) For the duration of your relationship or acquaintance with Jenn these Rules (and any personal supplements) will render null and void any or all of your own rules, at her discretion.

#17 - (The Second Jezzie Precept) If you don't understand what Jenn is talking about, it's probably because She's talking Jenglish, a unique subset of English for which there can be no dictionary as words and meanings are subject to change at Her whim. (see also #52).

#18 - (The Third Jezzie Precept) Because Jenns are by nature beautiful and have a tendency towards cheery mischief, it is easy to misinterpret an innocent look as something saucy. Jenn fans who have been the targets of Jenuine sauciness know the difference, and never forget...

#19 - Jenn can always read maps perfectly. You, however, can't follow her clear, precise directions, no matter how many milliseconds she gives you before screaming "Left! Left!" as you pass the turning.

#20 - The last piece of candy, brownie, popcorn, soda, beer, slice of pizza, breadstick or spoonful of ice cream belongs to Jenn.

#21 - Jenn always looks beautiful.

#22 - Whatever Jenn has to say is worth listening to.

#23 - (The Powroz Principle) The subject changes when Jenn says so.

#24 - However Jenn wants to pronounce or spell her name is the correct way.

#25 - Jenn is a tidy eater. That piece of food on the restaurant floor fell off your fork. If it's something only Jenn ordered, you must have picked at her plate while she wasn't looking...

#26 - (Corollary to #20 and #25) Jenn does not like people picking at her plate while she isn't looking.

#27 - Jenn should not be expected to work on her birthday.

#28 - (The Stevens Sutra, addendum to rule #27) Jenn's birthday is a holiday, and should be treated as such, even if it means taking the day off, calling in sick, or cancelling other plans to be with her.

#31 - Jenn is exceedingly clever.

#31 - Jenn doesn't like seeing two rules with the same number.

#32 - Jenn always has the last word. Anything you might say after that is the start of a new discussion/argument.

#33 - As soon as your relationship with Jenn starts she has the right to borrow your clothes, especially comfy sweatshirts, sweaters and t-shirts, but (being kind and considerate) she'll probably let you keep your fifteen-year-old "lucky" underpants all to yourself...

#35 - Jenn always does things her way. Don't ask.

#36 - Jenn knows what information you need to know about Jenn.

#37 - Addendum to #36) There is always more to Jenn than she is letting on.

#38 - (Greg's Theory of Jeneral Relativity) If you are behind Jenn, you are walking too slowly; if you are in front of Jenn you are walking too fast.

#39 - If and when Jenn makes an appearance, consider it a gift.

#40 - Only Jenn decides if the temperature is right for opening the window.

#41 - Any poetry by Jenn is good poetry.

#43 - Withhold Jenn's chocolate at your peril.

#45 - Anything Jenn laughs at is funny. Things Jenn will not laugh at you hiding her chocolate.

#50 - Jenn does not like having any sort of camera pointed at her without permission. Carefully consider rule #8 before attempting a rule #21 defence.

#51 - (Corollary to #12 and #19) Jenn always knows where she's going, even if nobody else does.

#52 - Jenn always knows what she's talking about, even if nobody else does.

#53 - Jenn does not like having to make decisions.

#54 - (Addendum to #53) Jenn's decisions (when made) and opinions are always valid (See also Rule #12).

#55 - Withhold Jenn's chocolate at your peril. (Yes, we know that's the same as Rule #43, but it's *VERY* important to remember this...)

#61 - Jenn is sometimes inclined to wisecracking or being a smartass. It's cute.

Pivotal Moments

There are moments in our lives that are pivotal- moments that have the power to change the core of who we are. People can go their entire lives never pinpointing when their “aha moments” occurred- while others may be able to distinguish a couple along the way. Being the introvert that I am- I think I nailed down each of my moments to date. I’m not sure what that says about me- but it’s good to know why I am the way I am- as weird as it may be!

So here are the moments that allow me to put a definition next to my name. The moments in my life that structured and restructured the woman I am today.

I’ve known for a long time that I have a wicked intuition. I always joke around and tell people I have this 6 second rule. That I will know within the first 6 seconds of meeting you if I’m going to like you or not…and if I don’t- there’s no changing my mind. To be quite honest, I say I’m joking, but I’m actually quite serious! I genuinely get a feel for someone immediately upon meeting them. I either like you or I don’t…there’s never a middle ground for me. And I’d estimate that at least 95% of time - my intuition is spot on. The people that I don’t get a good vibe off of tend to be people you wouldn’t want to associate with anyway. This sixth sense spans way further than just people vibes- I sense good days from bad days, I’ve sensed accidents before they happened- good news from bad news, I anticipate phone calls seconds before they ring, emails seconds before they come, movie endings and outcomes. (side note: the only movie that had me hoodwinked was The 6th Sense… Ironic, eh?). The downside of all this…I’m usually never surprised. This part sucks…well, sort of sucks. I would like (for just once) to be bowled over with shock… I always wondered what that felt like? But when you anticipate things happening- you’re rarely ever taken back. So I dare you- take me back… C’mon, give it your best shot! :)

So anyhow- when I was younger I always sensed I had this “power”. I didn’t know what to call it because I was so young, but I definitely knew early on that I had something. My first pivotal moment came on my 10th birthday. My mom had taken me out for dinner after school- and for the entire evening I sensed something was off. She was all smiles and cheers- making my day truly special for me. But on the way out of the restaurant, I must have been about ten paces in front of her, I turned around, looked her in the eye and said “Grandpa died, didn’t he?”. Needless to say, she was floored, and broke down crying. It was true- her dad, my grandfather, passed away early that morning. She didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to ruin my birthday. But I knew. And it was that very day that I promised I would never deny my intuitions again. I’ve come to learn my mom had it too- so maybe it’s inherited? Who knows? I just know my 10th birthday was when I first put a name to “my feelings” and I’ve ran with them ever since!

The second pivotal moment in my life came after I graduated high school. But for now, let’s rewind back to junior year. It was the first game of our season (basketball), and the girl’s team was in the gym warming up. That’s when I saw him. He was sitting behind the scorers table eating a steak sandwich and drinking an orange soda. I was hooked instantly. It’s not even like he was the best looking guy out there- he was average, at best. I just felt (there was that intuition again) that he was special- and he surely turned out to be. After the game I learned he was working w/ my coach as an assistant- well, thank you coach!

We became inseparable. For the next two years we were best friends. And I was in love- for the first time in my life. But, I was also shy and overly introverted with my feelings, so I never had the guts to tell him how I felt. I remember being in the kitchen one night and getting a page from him (how old am I that I remember have a beeper?!). His message simply read 143…. I think my knees buckled and I fell to the floor. He just paged me with I love you (143)… so, naturally I paged him back (143-2). This went on for a while, the I love you’s and I miss you’s… but the weird part- when we were together- neither one of us ever said anything… it’s like we lived two separate lives…. Best friends face to face… something more through our pagers? It’s funny (and sad) thinking back on this now, but at the time I was soo confused. But anyhow- fast forward- I graduate highschool and we eventually fall out of touch. Months after graduation I built up the courage to send him a letter explaining how I felt and how stupid I was not telling him before. But I was too late. He responded by telling me he’s moved on- is expecting a child- and will soon be getting married. BOOM POW BAM- knocked out for the count. But…in walked in pivotal moment number two. Never again did I walk on eggshells with my feelings, and never again did I just let something go. You can’t lose what you never really had- so, I never really lost him. I did, however, lose the chance. But at the same time- I gained the experience. And I never let a chance slip by me again- win or lose…chances are meant to be taken and I learned that the hard way. So to this day- whenever an opportunity comes my way- I always think back to his letter… and then I go for it.

There’s a reason for everything in your life- and I believe he’s the reason I’m married today. When I met my husband for the first time I was actually going to meet someone else. But he stuck out- and we clicked. I went back to the same place a week later, and on our way to the bar I looked over to my best friend and told her I was going to marry that man some day. She laughed so hard, but my intuitions never lie! A week after that, we were dating. I fell hard, and fast. I would have shied away at this point- but I thought back years ago – and as nervous as I was- I told him how I felt. Three years later- we were married

My last two pivotal moments can be considered bimomental? (that should be a word!). These moments transpired the day my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and then the day she died.

I was 24 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (she was 56). Leading up to her diagnosis, our lives were in shambles. It was truly a dark time in both of our lives- emotionally, financially, and spiritually…. We were quite damaged. There was a dark cloud lingering above us for a while- and the storm was slowly about to begin. If you didn’t know already, I’m not an only child. I have an older brother (10 years older)… who I’ve always had an on and off relationship with. (we’re on now- thankfully  ) For most of my life- it’s always been me and my mom… it was us vs the world. And as far back as I can remember- we’d always be in a fight with my brother over something- which would lead us to not talk for a while- then eventually make up and talk again. I’ve had this on and off relationship with him my entire life- it was our normal. So on this day- January 11th, 2006- we weren’t talking.

My mom is in the emergency room- awaiting results from a CAT scan they just took on her stomach. (she was admitted because she found blood in her stool- after a hemorrhoid test came back negative- a cat scan was ordered). Her bed was directly in front of the nurse’s station. She was dozing off in bed watching the television on her side. I was seated in the uncomfortable metal chair to the right of her bed watching the nurses and doctors come and go. I saw the doctor walk over to the station with scans in his hands. I saw the nurses stop what they were doing to look at them. I saw each and everyone one of them look away from the scans and straight towards me. The doctor with his balding head and his white coat. The tall black nurse with long thick dreads standing on his left. The short Asian woman to his right with vials of blood in her hands. Two other nurses on the other side of the counter with such sadness in their eyes I wanted to cry just looking at them. They all stopped and stared…starred at me. In that very moment I knew my mom was dying. The doctor called me over to the side- and without disturbing my mom I snuck away.

In one breath- and I literally mean one breath- I was told “your mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer and has less than one month to live. You need to get genetic testing- but make sure you give a different name because if a company knows your history you may not be hired.” With my head spinning a million miles a minute- I asked him to back up- forget about this “genetic testing” and repeat what’s going on with my mom? She’s dying? One month to live? I immediately jumped into survival mode. I begged him not to tell my mom- not here, not now. We didn’t know this doctor, he was just the internist on call. She needed to hear it from family first- the people closest to her. He was reluctant at first- but did as I asked. He told her she had to be admitted because the cat scans were down- and she would get a new scan first thing in the morning. I remember my mom looking at me when he said this to her- To this day I think she saw right through me. I was trying so very hard not to cry- I became numb from head to toe and mentally in-between. Though I was dying inside- I couldn’t let her know. She was angry that she had to be admitted- so in typical fashion- she stormed out of the ER (attached to the IV poll) – and went for a cigarette. No one dared to stop her.

I saw a phone at the end of the hall- when she was outside I ran to call my brother. My sister in law answered the phone… I told her calmly (as calm as I could be), I’m in the ER with mom.. I was just told that she has stage 4 cancer- less than a month to live…she doesn’t know yet because I asked the doctors to wait in telling her… etc etc. All I remember her saying to me is “that sucks for you… we can’t make it to the hospital”. Everything else in that conversation is a blur. When I hung up the phone- I turned around and saw my mom walking back to her bed…IV rolling right next to her. It was a split second- the second I caught my moms eyes as she walked back- it was the moment I went from being a girl to being a woman…the moment that showed me how very strong and together I really was. I wanted to cry and scream and punch someone in the face. I wanted to yell at my mom for all the years I asked her to stop smoking and she hadn’t. I wanted to curse at all the nurses for watching my every move as though they were anticipating me passing out or maybe they were just staring out of pity- whatever it was – it was annoying as hell. I wanted to be someplace else at that very moment- I wanted to turn back the clock to when I was a little girl and problems were few and far in between. I wanted to be the one with the cancer and only a month to live. I wanted it all to be a dream. But I caught my moms eyes- and knew she knew- knew she saw it in me. But I saw something in her- I saw her strength, her will, her fight. And in that very second she gave them all to me. And I managed to walk back to her- help her in bed- and stay until she fell asleep. I called my ex boyfriend (who remained a staple in my life)- asked him to meet me down the block at the diner…told him briefly what was going on, and how I desperately needed someone to talk to. He was there within minutes- and for the first time all night- I cried. And boy did I cry. To give you a time frame- everything started to unravel about 7 at night. It was around 1am- siting in the diner, where my brother called me and told me to go to his house- he wanted to talk. My ex and I went together- and luckily, my brother said he’d tell her with me. So the following day we all were together to tell my mom what I was told the night before. I like to think that I made the right choice in waiting to tell my mom as a family- and not having her hear it from a complete stranger… But anyhow, regardless if I was right or wrong- the night before was the moment when I grew up. It was when life showed its true colors and woke me up to reality. And it was when I knew I was strong enough for anything that would come my way going forward.

I was blessed to have another year and half with my mom…not the original month the doctor first mentioned. My mom passed away when she was 57, on May 8th 2007. I was in the room with her, holding her hand, when she took her last breath. In that moment- I stopped taking things, people, life- for granted.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer January 11th 2006. That year was rough- on her, of course… but, likewise for me, as well. I started a new job two days before my mom was diagnosed with cancer- you can say that didn’t start off very well. The job itself was miserable. The people, the place- I have nightmares about it to this day. It added to that dark cloud that was over me at the time- it was horrid. I worked 9-5. I would come home after work and take care of my mom. She was home- out of work- and on undergoing Chemotherapy treatments every three weeks. They made her sick, weak, tired… so I tried to help out the best I could. But for the first time in my life- I needed an escape. So come 10pm- I went out. I partied like I never partied before. Literally. I was always the “good girl” growing up. Straight A student for as far back as I can recall. Dean’s List all through college. And I wasn’t your typical college student…I worked through college…. So I held a 9-5 job, and went to school 7-10pm every day. All through college…. So I never partied…never went out. It was always work, school, home for me. But when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I dropped out of college and forewent my masters. Instead, I stayed home after work and took care of her. But come 10pm- I needed my escape. And so I went out- probably 5 days out of the week. I wouldn’t come home til 2 or 3 in the morning… sleep for a few hours- and was up and at work by 8am. My mom grew suspicious of me at this time, and truly thought I was becoming an alcoholic and doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. I told her over and over again not to worry- I was responsible- and I was doing nothing wrong… but she didn’t listen. I get it now- I get why she was worried. But back then- I was pissed…because truly- I was doing nothing wrong. I never drank more than two beers when I went out- I’ve never been a big drinker… so I always shied away from alcohol. So being accused of becoming an alcoholic… hurt. It hurt a lot. But- I should preface why my mom was thinking this… Her mom, my grandmother, died when she was only 36… (my mom was 16). She was an alcoholic and she died in my mother’s arms. My dad was also an alcoholic, and because of his disease, my parents divorced when I was in second grade. So – I can see now how scared my mom must have been of my partying… I find solace in knowing that she knows the truth now- knows that I wasn’t out binge drinking and getting drunk- I was just out having a good time. But at the time- it hurt me. I knew how responsible I was…I knew I had my head on straight- I knew I was “good”. Why couldn’t she see that? That drove me nuts…literally! And the more and more she kept pushing me – the more and more I pushed back. We fought more in the last yr in her life than we did my entire life prior. It all stemmed from all the emotions we were both feeling about her illness- my job- the huge black cloud above both of us- But we never sat down and talked it out. We just fought. And I was hurt- hurt that my mom thought of me as a drunken slut out partying every night. Granted, I did party- but I was with close friends, and never once crossed the line. Being accused of sleeping around drove me insane as well. I’ve always held the highest of standards for myself- I would never! But she thought I was.

Come June that year, I met my future husband… as mentioned above- we all know how that turns out. But when I met him- the partying stopped. I spent all my free time with him. I didn’t tell my mom about him for months- I felt she didn’t deserve to know. She treated me like I was no good- why should I tell her how happy I was. So I lied and said I was going out with friends, when indeed I was hanging out with him. Fast forward to October 2006. My birthday. For the 25yrs prior- my mom ALWAYS made my birthday’s special. It was usually just her and I…since she was divorced and my dad, brother, family- were never around. Every year she would have balloons waiting for me when I woke up… and a birthday cake after dinner at night. A cake was a MUST to her. Those tiny staples meant the world to me!

So anyhow- my birthday comes around that year and I choose to spend it with my boyfriend. For the first time in my life- I don’t spend it with my mom. I didn’t care- at the time… I just wanted to be out of the house. If only I knew how much of an impact this would later have on my life- I would spent every last second of my birthday with her.

I went down Atlantic City for my birthday and came home two days later. I came home to a card on the kitchen table that I refused to open for weeks. It just sat there. My mom never moved it and I never touched it. We still fought everyday. Eventually I came around to opening it… inside were two gift cards to my favorite stores. The outside of the envelope read “Happy Birthday, 25 years young. L.U.” Instantly when I opened the card I realized how stupid I was- I felt horrible- but there was no turning back time. We still fought.

My mom was “cancer free” in November… Short lived, because the cancer came back in January again- she started more treatment that eventually would prove useless in the end.

The point of all this? The pivotal moment for me, is that card. I still carry that card everywhere I go. It sits in the side pocket of my driver’s side door in my car. That card is a constant reminder of how I will never again take life for granted. I will never again allow stupid fights run my life- I will never again go to sleep angry- I will never again treat someone I love so horribly just because I’m angry. The gift cards she gave me I never used. I carry them with my in my wallet for the same reasons. Everyday reminders that what’s here today can be gone tomorrow- nothing is forever.

I didn’t make the best of my mom’s last year alive. I was horrible. I did what I was supposed to do…I took her to all her doctor appointments- I was by her side when she needed me- I paid her bills- I helped her around the house- I was her support when she needed it most. I wasn’t, however, her friend. I wasn’t her Boob (her nickname for me). I was just… there. I was everything what she didn’t need. She needed ME…and I was lost. And for my last birthday where she was alive- I didn’t spend it with her. A birthday that was always bitter sweet to begin with (both my grandfathers passed away on my birthday)- now, honestly, I simply hate when it comes around. Hate it. I don’t want to celebrate it at all. I have to act happy for those around me- because they’re trying to make me happy…But deep down- I dread the day. Because every year I wish with all I have to go back to 2006 when my mom was alive. I wish I was with her in Atlantic City instead. I wish I blew out my birthday candles with her for one last time…made one last wish with her next to me. I wish I was there to wake up to balloons. I wish. But I know it will never happen- so instead, I carry her last birthday card in my car, and her gift cards in my wallet. My forever moments of my mom- the bond we had- the bond I wish I never broke- and the promise of never breaking any bonds again.


So there they are. Moments that molded me into who I am today. I learn from my mistakes, and I learn from my experiences. The above were the pivotal ones- the ones whose lessons will be examined and reexamined for the rest of my life. I look forward to the next moment I get to add to the list- for with each addition… comes a better version of me.


PS: didn’t think this would turn out so long. If you made it this far- comment and let me know you’re still alive :) Feel free to share your pivotal moments as well!

Funny Valentine

  
     Tiny bursts of laughter
succeeding the aromas of his fingers
       massaging
            my face
my body lingers within his kiss
my heart searching through pages of the past
coming alive in the present
fighting the pleats of preceding tears
Frankie’s You Go To My Head plays in milieu
               And then I know
                          too good to be true
                          for an average girl like me
But in that moment
That evening
        I was his Funny Valentine
                And he sang to me
I held on to the tremor of his final note
     the quaver of the last kiss goodnight
but as his fingers retreated from my skin
his scent                          lingering still
we craved for more of what neither of us knew
           gazed in each others eyes and smiled
    The tiny burst of laughter
succeeding the aroma’s of his fingers
    pushing me away
                                      for good.

Snow What?

Holy snow!


We've been getting slammed w/ some crazy late winter snow this year! I absolutely love this weather, so I’m definitely not complaining! Besides which, Mother Nature bestows us with such beautiful photography in the snow! Wouldn’t you agree?


Enjoy!

Judgement

People try to read me
Like I’m some sort of book
Stare deep into my eyes
Contemplating each look
Let me forewarn you
I’m more then meets the eye
It’s hard to make a judgment
When there’s so little to imply
I will never let on
The woman that’s within
You get what you see
But I’m thicker than my skin
So don’t try to define me
There’s no need to obsess
You get what I give
And I’ve given much less

Dirty New Clothes

So this morning, I read one of the most disturbing articles! And of course it's only fair that I pass it on to my readers :)


Tell me something...when you purchase a new piece of clothing, do you clean it before you wear it? And I’m not talking about undergarments (I wash those)- I’m talking about your shirts, pants, whatever. Do you clean the clothes you just buy before you wear them? How about when you try them on in a dressing room… do you try them on on top of clothes, or on your bare skin?

According to an article I read on abcnews.com (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/gma-found-clothes-clean/story?id=9482373) New DOES NOT mean clean. Employees from Good Morning America purchased some clothing from various low to high-end retail stores. They gave the items to a Microbiologist at NYU to test them for germs….

The results were sickening!! The most shocking to me were the bacteria found on women’s blouses…. Fecal matter…vaginal organisms…YEAST!!! What the hell!! Are women wiping their crotches with the clothes they take into the dressing room?  Just think back to all the clothes you've tried on in your lifetime… of the shirts and pants you've worn straight off the rack…. Doesn't it make you sick!!

I can’t believe I never thought of this before. I want to smack myself. I’ll never walk into a dressing room the same way again.
Buyer Beware!

Party

One of my favorite parts of owning a house is being able host parties and have family and friends over. There's just something about inviting people into my home that gets me all warm and fuzzy inside. Having people around the dining room table is reminiscent of my younger years... I always remember my mom cooking something up in the kitchen, and coming home to that "fresh out of the oven" smell. Cold winter nights, the windows would be all fogged up- and you knew Mom had something special cooking. I miss my mom so much, especially during this time of the year. I wish she was around to share in the special memories that are just beginning to form for my husband and I.

Dec 30th was my husbands 35th birthday. So to celebrate, we had his family over tonight for a little dinner party. The picture is a shot him blowing out his birthday candles with his nieces.

It was a good night- and was the perfect way to end the Holiday Season!

Time

Twenty-Ten. How are we going to characterize the next ten years? Tweens and Teens? Strange!

Anyhow- I'm not one for resolutions. I truly believe if there's something a person wants to change in their life, there's no better time than the present. However, I do like that feeling we all get today- that clean slate spirit that's shared world wide.

2009 was bitter sweet for me. I lost my father in August - three weeks before I got married. So the year surely had its ups and downs. I hope this year brings much health and happiness to my family and friends...and possilbly a new addition to my own family w/ the birth of our first child?!?! Time will tell!!

And speaking of time, I put up this new clock in our office today. New time, New year...and the classic and beautiful Audrey Hepburn to bring it all together. It goes to show that as quickly as time passes by us all- legacies live forever. So here's to a new year, a new decade, and my new clock. May time move as slow as needed, and only as fast as we can keep up with it.